Single: Men Are From Mars & So Are Women At Times

As if it weren't bad enough that:
-I left my vibrators out on my bed for the Asian family to see
-I sat on a HOT curling iron and received a 2nd degree burn and haven't been able to sit for 10 days-Dropped my cell in the toilet and lost over 300 phone numbers...the next of my "Lucy" hair-brained schemes is a doozy! Going through divorce, working in a very stressful job, raising 2 sons, having not received a support check in over a year, trying to sell and save my house from foreclosure because of course the mortgage is in my name, mourning the recent loss of my dad and on top of that, dating...suffice it to say my head is up my ass half the time.

So, I'm in my office, I have 7 screens open on my computer. I see someone IMing me on AOL. I glance and see the letter "M" and automatically assume [yes, it does make and ass out of you and me]it's Marsha [who just took me to dinner on Father's Day] and proceed to read what I think is her email and respond accordingly:

M: how are you today

M is offline and may receive your IMs when signing back in.

me: i'm ok a lil melancholy, thanks for dinner -
"j" has not contacted me other than sending me a bullshit email - see, i'm so glad i didn't sleep with him and "m", who i'm really not interested in but would have fucked, was online last night and didn't im me like he always does so he's not interested and i noticed he was back on match after not being on in 5 days so now of course i'll pine for him
under stress at work
tonight i spin and have therapy
freaking but i'll be ok
and you?
i don't understand why he emailed me his number or repsonded at all if he's not interested in starying in touch...weird but i'm not dating BENSONHURST been there done that back in the day! lol

AND THEN I REALIZED IT'S NOT MARSHA I'M INSTANT MESSAGING, IT'S Mr. M!!!

I see him log online and try to make light of the subject but to no avail...

me: so, you wanna fuck! lol

M: very nice

me: mr. m, you gotta laugh life is too short

M: bensonhurst is old news for you. stick with your LI friends. I run circles around them. i'm not laughing. i guess being nice paid off again. loose my #

me: it's not like that so please don't turn it into that i had a great time with you
i was a little surprised and insulted that you didn't even respond to my email so what was i to think? so i figured YOU were blowing ME off

M: sell that to someone who has asshole printed across their forehead. we don't need to talk anymore. see ya

me: and thought i was responding to my friend Marsha [from beach haven] and to SAVE FACE i wrote what i wrote - YES even women have pride and save face with their friends. its just a misunderstanding...most guys KISS ME GOODNIGHT or give me SOME indication, you said I'LL BE IN TOUCH...i was like, he's blowing ME off?

M is offline and may receive your IMs when signing back in.

I am so beside myself because I'm not a hurtful person and do everything in my power to do the right thing so I can sleep at night and not have bad karma so I decide to email him:

Mr. M,

I am NOT a hurtful person. I never meant to hurt you. If anything I was the one who was hurt!I thought we had a fun night, I had a great time with you and I CANNOT FAKE THAT, the time flew by and I was even upset you had to go.This is just another [and hopefully] the LAST LUCY EPISODE EVER.There's an explanation for everything so pleeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeez just read on...

me: i'm ok a lil meloncholy, thanks for dinner -
my friend Marsha took me to dinner because I was upset it was my 1st Father's Day without my father who died at the end of Feb

me: and mr. m, who i'm really not interested in but would have fucked, was online last night and didn't im me like he always does so he's not interested
and i noticed he was back on match after not being on in 5 days so now of course i'll pine for him. i AM interested [but you never tell that to your friends so if you get rejected you don't look like an ass] but thought you were blowing me off when you were online last night. PLUS you didn't respond to my email - so you didn't im me OR respond to my email, you told me "we'll be in touch" you gave me NO SIGNAL of interest so what was I supposed to think and that was why I wrote the following. Oh, and I was def attracted to you [how insulting]

me: i don't understand why he emailed me his number or repsonded at all if he's not interested in starying in touch
See, I was even surprised that you emailed me your number thinking you WERE NOT interested.

me: weird but i'm not dating BENSONHURST been there done that back in the day ! lol See, I was even saying And that's the defense that's supposed to make me look like I have the upper hand to my friends The IRONY of it all is that you DID im me today!!!! I was upset that you didn't contact me at all over the weekend.

You mean to tell me you cannot see humor in any of this??? because the thing that I like most about you is you are funny and witty.At most this is a HUGE, GINORMOUS misunderstanding...at the very least it is me putting up the wall trying to protect myself.The only thing you seem to be pissed about it the Brooklyn reference and I told you from the beginning that I ONLY date Brooklyn guys! But if you read carefully the ENTIRE IM is directed at my being upset at YOU BLOWING ME OFF...surely you can look back, read it again and put yourself in my shoes and try for one second to see what I was feeling and where I was coming from and then maybe you can find it in your heart to forgive me...and even laugh...please?

HE READ IT BUT NO RESPONSE

so the next day I send him this...

Mr. M,

Tell me you've NEVER fucked up in your life? Are you so perfect that you never make a mistake or that you could be so unforgiving, uncompromising, inflexible? Because if that's the case then I'm really glad I found out sooner than later because I need someone to possess those qualities in a relationship.

If I hurt you I'm sorry but I certainly felt you did that to me for since you had me thinking you were blowing me off. The only difference is I've apologized to you for that! Read the email, it's all about how I think you're blowing me off.

I put soooo much pressure on myself for our date because I remember you from way back I had a huge crush on you then and thought you would crush me like a bug now so I already prepared myself and put up the wall...please keep in mind that unlike you I haven't dated in 20 years and when I go out even though I know what I bring to the table, I still get very insecure and set myself up for the ultimate rejection.

I have dated a lot recently and unlike all the guys I date I found you to be very sharp, very witty, very funny, pretty creative besides the fact that there's a definite attraction. You're definitely a man of substance. Tell me there was no connection and it was all in my head. Do you have that much pride that you would actually let it get in the way of something possibly developing here? I'm not one to grovel so if you're done, you're done but I hope when the dust settles you'll see the irony and humor in all of this, have a change of heart and give it another shot. Afterall, it's a great story to tell the grandkids.

If you're still reading this then the possiblilty of makeup sex exists. lol

I miss hearing from you...Please call me and tell me what's on your mind.

HE READ IT BUT NO RESPONSE

to quote the whines of Lucy "waaaahhhhhhhhhhhh!"

Single In the Suburbs: Man vs. Machinery

Being a single woman with a high libido, I find myself in somewhat of a catch 22 situation.
I have a drawer full of "toys" that have been used extensively, to the point where the motor in 2 of them burned out from over usage! Between my G-Spot Finder, Rabbit, standard vibrators big and small, vibrators are like men - they come in many shapes, sizes and colors.

Admittedly, if I'm taking matters into my own hands "they" [the toys] get the job done but can only accommodate one need: THE BIG "O" but I'm still left feeling unfulfilled! There lies the problem. It took me a long time to come to the realization that it's not just the orgasm I seek, it's the physical contact and connection; the afterglow and all the stuff that goes with an intimate encounter. Laying in bed, holding eachother, listening to eachother's breath, talking or not, snuggling, kanoodling, playing touchy-feely games. I want it...I want it all.

I enjoy the touch of a man, the excitement of the "newness" in a relationship. My friends seem to think the following:
-withholding sex is the way to go
-you should take the time to get to know who you're getting into bed with
-you can't base a relationship on sex.
-you should be independent and take care of your own needs until then

But what if you're compatible in every way except sexually? Sex is a big part of a relationship for me so I have to take a test drive and if I don't like the ride I'm not buying the car and yet I don't want continue to burn out the motors of my toys. There lies the conundrum.

Single In The Suburbs: Chemistry

Single In The Suburbs: Chemistry

Chemistry

I'm always curious to know what "chemistry" means to men. It's usually different for everyone. Care to enlighten me? This question was asked to a few guys I know and here are their responses:

'You've both been honest and accurate in your profiles. Neither of you is disappointed You find each other visually and intellectually attractive. You're interested in what each other has to say You laugh You have fun You find yourself not wanting the evening to end thinking maybe this could be my last first date You make plans for a second date during the first date You think you want to take your profile off line but you don't dare, not yet at least!! You leave with a feeling that this just might be the one.'

'GAZE INTO SOMEONE'S EYES AND HAVE GOOD CONVERSATION IS IMPORTANT. I'M A PHYSICAL GUY ALSO, SO THAT PLAYS A PART ALSO.'

"REAL CHEMISTRY TO ME, JB, MEANS CHEM 1,2 AT BROOKLYN COLLEGE, ORGANIC CHEM AT LIU WITH A 4 HOUR LAB, BIOCHEM AT BROOKLYN COLLEGE OF PHARMACY ONE FULL YEAR AND BIOCHEMISTRY AGAIN AT NEW YORK COLLEGE OF PODIATRIC MEDICINE. CHEMISTRY IS WHEN I SHAKE UP YOUR ATOMS AND YOU LOVE IT. YOU WANT MORE. YOUR ELECTRONS CIRCLE MY HEAD AND I WANT MORE. WE SHARE PROTONS IN A COVALENT BOND, NO AN IONIC BOND FOREVER. YOUR ARE MY MAIN INGREDENT IN THE COCKTAIL OF LIFE."

But the best response I got was, "My personal feelings on chemistry: If it's all hot smoking bod, I have a different word for it, that word is LUST. That warm feeling we get when gazing into someone's eyes while having a blissful conversation is the chemistry I'm speaking of. The desire for intimacy will eventually come naturally as a result of this gift of chemistry. Sometimes it might transform quickly, other times , a little slower. My teen years are long behind me, only feelings can give me the desire for the "bod."

Red Flags Part 1

Like Hieroglyphics, The Writing’s On The Wall!

The second time around is for you. Life is too short and we should be making the best of it by living, laughing and having fun. Have ears like an elephant so you can hear what is being communicated and eyes like an eagle to see with clarity. If life is simple so why do we tend to make things difficult?

To prepare yourself for the dating world, I’ve come up with these warning signals:

Single at 40+ and never married: It is hard to fathom that someone in 40+ years has not found a suitable mate. Some of the excuses I received were: I was focused on building my career, I really tried to find someone but I’m so picky or I had my heart broken twenty years ago and still haven’t recovered. Yet now at 40 even 50+ they’re out there (or so they say) looking for that special someone with which to raise a family so they can be retired and paying for their children’s college tuition in their golden years.

Still living at home with their mother: Nuf said!

The Webcam: I’m online chatting away with a guy and he says, “hey, wait I have a surprise for you…” and within minutes he’s naked on his webcam and within nano-seconds I’ve clicked DELETE!

The Age of Technology: We’ve entered the electronic age keeping us in touch via email, text messaging and cell phones which ring and beep all night. We’ve become accustomed to constantly remaining in touch. I’ve been text-messaged at midnight, 4:25am 6:59am and believe me, I’m one who loves my sleepy time. How do you know if they really like you??? I often wonder is it neediness? Impatience? So if they all of a sudden tell you they’ll call you/text you and don’t because they’re too busy, forget them. And we all know that anything that starts our hot and heavy with fireworks, fizzles fast.

When they only want sex: I love when men tell you they’re sensitive, funny, great, generous, everything you want to hear and then slam you with, “so, what are you wearing now?” The typical question men always ask is “how long have you been separated/divorced? Have you had any relationships? No? Then when was the last time you had sex? Wow, you’re like a virgin all over again! Do you know what I would do to you?” That being said in hope that you’ll make a b- line right for their bedroom so you can have your world rocked! I’ve received very explicit emails saying “you’re yummy…” and the rest I’ll have to leave to your imagination. They talk about sex so much as if they’re on a deadline and their "member" is going to either shutdown or fall off! But I’m told they’re being honest and up front, but have they tried discreetness? How about keeping the sexual details to themselves??? One told me of his sexual conquests that took place overseas (for business purposes of course) and his encounters were in the 300’s. Did he think I’d be impressed? I was repulsed and knew there would be no encounters of the "me" kind in his future! Why in g-d’s name, particularly in this day and age would anyone want to sleep with, let alone kiss someone who had relations with over 300 women in Russia, Thailand and Bangkok??? And why would he feel the need to share this with me? I have one link for you SexAddictsAnonymous.com.

Phone Relationships & Pen Pals: No time to see you…they’re married, bye-bye!

Non-Committal: They tell you they just want something casual, no strings, no attachments, no obligations, no boyfriend/girlfriend labels. And the best line being, “if we’re up front about it no one will get hurt” or “it leaves the door open for both of us should something better come along!” This is the biggest problem with online dating because everyone is always online, even if they’re in a committed relationship they’re always looking for the next best thing. Even when the cards are laid on the table, you’re really not playing with a full deck because when you take it to the next level and are about to enter a casual, sexual relationship, someone always winds up getting attached, emotionally involved and eventually hurt.

The Party Animal: Just another way of self-medicating be it alcohol, prescription drugs or still a pothead to numb the pain of the divorce/separation or just failing in general. Say good-bye, there’s no need for this.

Damaged Goods: If you were clothes shopping and you saw a blouse you liked and it was torn, would you buy it? If women leave or cheated on their husbands because “they weren’t there for them” or “weren’t emotionally supportive” men being the more sensitive sex are more likely to be and remain damaged. But knowing there are 3 sides to every story, you have to ask yourself did the wife really cheat on their husbands or vice versa. Are the men looking for pity? If men tell you their wives cheated because they weren’t “there for her” physically or emotionally what makes you think they’d be emotionally available for you??? But if they cheated on their wives do you think they’re really going to tell you? If your marriage is bad and you’re overseas and have a a sexual encounter with a stranger, for business purposes is that cheating, because afterall, it is overseas? If I’m on a diet and I eat mini m&m’s is that cheating or it doesn’t count because they’re mini? Whether it be in the country, another country or on another planet, cheating is cheating. Remember, once a cheater always a cheater.

When all they talk about is their ex: I spent two hours, yes two hours on a date with a man who’s been legally separated for a year, his divorce will be final next month and he’s still not over his wife, who left him for her personal trainer. At various points in the conversation he was fighting back tears. Now I’m as sensitive as the next woman but you know what I say to that? Get over it!

PDA’s: Public displays of affection on a first date tend to overwhelm me since I like to sit back, process and see if there is any type of chemistry and yearning. When a man is overly assertive on a first date whether it be holding hands, or just very touchy-feely it signals lack of respect.

The Game: It’s simple and depends on what you want and what you are looking for. If it’s just a good time then the game is fun. When emotions get in the way, the game can become not only challenging, confusing but sometimes hurtful. Men and women both will tell you what you need to hear so listen carefully at all times.

The Hunt: The biggest attraction to anyone is the things we think are unattainable. However, once we get them we usually let them go. People are like animals we love the hunt once we make the kill we move on.

This is Classic: I was relentlessly pursued by a man who is still living at home, miserable, moved out of the bedroom, but hasn’t sought legal council due to various illnesses of each family member, which I do believe but with all that going on, how did he manage to have dating on the brain?

Make the correct choices that will ensure your happiness the second time around. We all now know what we don’t want, so do not settle. Be selective about what you want to ensure your needs are met. Remember where there’s smoke, there’s fire so if you see a red flag, run!

Didn't See It Cumming...

So, my house is on the market-yep, part of divorce hell...having to pack up, move out...blah blah blah...needless to say there have been many people coming and going over the last 3 months to see if mi casa es su casa.

I consider myself to be a sharp, astute, progressive, independent woman of the new millenium who knows how to take care of business, things, myself and of course my "needs" - at least 3x/day on a daily basis. I did say I have "needs" I guess I have more than others- especially when I'm sick, I get extra "needy".

So, I come down with a sinus infection - since I'm sick I'm extra "needy" and all foggy from being congested- definitley not on top of my game. My broker calls me on Saturday to tell me someone wants to come see the house at 4pm. I can barely get my head off the pillow but I muster up the stregnth to clean up my house, very, very slowly because I'm wiped out from all the meds from being sick.

At 4:05pm the doorbell rings. Enter Mr. Asian, his pregnant young, Asisan wife, his Asian wife's Asian mother accompanied by the Asian broker. They are all wandering aimlessly through my house.

I have not yet conquered my bedroom and explain that I've been sick and apologize for not making my bed. They all enter my bedroom and I'm still apologizing because of course I want everything looking pristine. I spend a few minutes talking to the Asian husband and hisAsian pregnant wife, escort all the Asians to the door, thank them for coming, lock up and run upstairs to take a nap.

I get up to my room, plop in my bed and G A S P! On top of my sheets lay my 8" hot pink G Spot finder and mini blue marblized vibrators! How did I not see this? I felt like Lucy because afterall, something like this can only happen on TV, right? Wahhhhhhhhhhhhhh!

I call my girlfriend, hysterical with tears rolling down my face, trying to get the words out and tell her what just went down and she said, "maybe they didn't know what it was?" I said, "girlfriend, they're the ones who manufacture this stuff!" She said, " well no matter how much they love your house, they're not buying it now!"

Single In The Suburbs

Seven Minutes In Heaven, or 8?

What can you accomplish in 8 minutes? In this fast paced day and age of electronics and immediate gratification, be it fast forwarding through commercials on Tivo-taped shows, flipping channels with remote control in hand, the dating world has also caught on to this trend.

With hectic work schedules, multi-tasking, children’s extra-curricular activities, sports and carpooling, how can singles and divorcees have time to meet potential mates? The dating world has evolved from the usual bar and club scene to paid, online dating services such as Match.com, eHarmony.com and jDate.com which provide singles and divorcees an opportunity to peruse through various photos and profiles online to find the perfect mate. The only problem being, how recent are the photos and how realistic are the profiles?

Enter the world of 8MinuteDating.com. This fee paid speed-dating service provides 8 dates for 8 minutes each; an ideal opportunity for the busy professional who is not into, nor has time for the bar or club scene, to meet potential friends, mates or even business contacts. It differs from online dating because you get actual “face-time” so you can see and speak to directly to the person and get a true sense as to whether or not there is compatibility and chemistry, therefore bypassing the online dating steps of emailing, instant messaging and eventually “Starbuck-ing.”

One Wednesday, a Wine Cafe on Main Street in Huntington Village played host to an 8 Minute Dating event in which myself and some friends had the privilege of attending. The Owner served up her reserve of Long Island wines and beers and a spread of assorted cheese & fruit platters, breads and dips. While daters ate, drank and mingled they admired her gallery of art supplied by Long Island artists.

Eight single professional men (ages 38-53) and women (34-49) drank, ate and schmoozed awaiting the dating portion of the evening. Risa, the Long Island Event Coordinator for 8MinuteDating.com, assigned each woman a number, a nametag, a table and dating track card in which to record each date noting their interest level be it friendship, 2nd date or business relationship. She also provided a list of “ice-breaker questions” such as “do you have any tattoos? Do you have any pets?” My personal favorite “do you have a dollar’s worth of change in your pocket?” to which my date replied, “no” so I asked “then you’re just happy to see me?” Now that was definitely an icebreaker and got lots of laughs!

An announcement was made at the end of every 8 minutes and the men, in rotation, moved onto the next table. After the 4th date, there was a 20 minute intermission in which the proprietor served up sandwiches consisting of Nutella, salmon and cheese and mini cheeseburgers, in addition to her famous Long Island wines and beers. Then it was onto round two for 4 more dates. At the end of the second half there was opportunity to stay at Asta and mingle.

If there’s interest in meeting someone again when the event is over, you log onto the website www.8MinuteDating.com and enter the person’s name and number. If they have entered your name and number as well, there’s a match, contact information is provided so you can arrange to meet with them again.

The concept of 8MinuteDating.com is a good one. Eight minutes is ample time to see if you will connect with someone, particularly since I’ve had Starbuck encounters which could have ended by the time I reached the counter to order my latte! One date can be emotionally exhausting can you imagine how overwhelming it is to have eight in one evening?

This particular event would have been more successful if time was taken during the online registration process to ensure compatibility. For instance, I’d like to know if their potential dates are single, separated, divorced, if they have children or would like to have children, if they’re smokers, non-smokers, what their lifestyles are, what their interests are, ethnic, cultural & educational backgrounds as well as income bracket. The men seemed random, from all ethnicities, varying socio-economic backgrounds, some wanting kids (and my baby-making days are over!) and some were way over the age limit. However there were definitely some quality women there.

Bottom line, whether it be multi-tasking or multi-dating when combined with friends, drinks and good food, 8MinuteDating.com makes for a fun, memorable evening, one in which I’ll get a lot of mileage from discussing the experience. Would I consider trying it again? Doubtful, but you never know.